The Loneliness No One Sees

In this episode, I sat down with my friend Kristin Fellows to talk about a unique and often unspoken experience—supporting a spouse serving as a bishop while raising young children and navigating the emotional weight that comes with that calling.

Before we dive in, I want to share a thought that framed this conversation for me.

I was listening to a talk called “Lovest Thou Me,” where Elder Barlow quoted Elder Dale G. Renlund:

“Our Heavenly Father’s goal in parenting is not to have His children do what is right. It is to have His children choose to do what is right and ultimately become like Him.”

That idea of choosing to root ourselves in Christ is exactly what Kristin’s story illustrates.

In this episode:

• Why seasons of heavy responsibility can create a loneliness that few people understand.

• The painful moment when Kristin’s character was questioned—and the powerful realization the Lord gave her in response.

• How learning to create daily moments of stillness with God became essential for surviving overwhelming seasons.

• Why adversity often comes even when we feel like we’re doing everything right—and what it’s meant to teach us.

• The importance of rooting our identity in Christ rather than in the opinions or judgments of others.

I asked Kristin what this growth experience looked like for her.

Kristin:
“Well, the opportunity actually has passed—it ended about 11 years ago. My husband was called to be the bishop of our congregation.”

For those unfamiliar, she explained that a bishop is similar to a pastor in other faiths, but in her church it’s a volunteer position.

Kristin:
“He still worked his full-time job and then served in that capacity at church. People always ask, ‘Do they pay you for that?’ And the answer is no—you get paid in blessings.”

Before the calling even happened, Kristin felt something unusual.

At the time, her children were young—her oldest was nine and her youngest was just two. Life was busy with school, sports, and all the chaos that comes with raising a young family.

The only time she really had to herself was while exercising.

Kristin:
“I would put my two boys in front of the TV for 30 minutes and get on my stepper. That was my time. But during those workouts, thoughts kept coming into my mind about the stake president.”

She couldn’t understand why those thoughts kept appearing.

Eventually she went upstairs to talk with her husband.

Kristin:
“I said, ‘We have to talk.’ And I think he could see it on my face. He knew that I knew something, and I knew that he knew.”

They both sensed that something was coming.

When the official call came for her husband to serve as bishop, Kristin described feeling deeply humbled.

During the meeting where the calling was extended, the stake president said something that surprised her.

Kristin:
“He told me, ‘You need to recognize how important your calling is here. You are his rock. You’re his support system.’”

That statement stuck with her.

Kristin:
“At first I thought, well, we’re married—we’ve always supported each other. But I wondered what that would really look like.”

Very quickly, she began to understand.

One of the first things Kristin noticed was how differently people treated her.

Kristin:
“People talk to you differently. Sometimes they’re nervous around you. All of a sudden you’re kind of in a spotlight.”

But her biggest concern wasn’t herself—it was her children.

Kristin:
“My most important calling was being a mother to my kids, who weren’t going to see their father as much.”

Her husband was often gone two or three evenings a week serving members of their congregation.

That meant Kristin was handling most of the day-to-day responsibilities at home.

At first, Kristin and her husband tried to involve the whole family in small acts of service.

One example she shared was delivering birthday cookies to members of their congregation.

Kristin:
“He said, ‘Let’s make cookies for everyone’s birthday each month.’ So we made huge batches of chocolate chip cookies.”

They would check the church directory, find the people with birthdays that month, and deliver cookies together.

Kristin:
“It was fun at first because it gave us time together as a family.”

But eventually the demands of the calling became heavier, and some things had to be set aside.

I asked Kristin what helped her stay rooted in Christ during that demanding season of life.

She described how the Lord often met her through small moments.

Kristin:
“Sometimes it was just getting through the day—getting a kid to carpool, getting dinner on the table even when I didn’t want to make it, helping with homework.”

But she also admitted that it wasn’t always easy.

Kristin:
“I had a lot of moments where I said, ‘I don’t want to go to church today.’”

Part of that came from feeling judged.

Kristin:
“People sometimes treat you differently. Some of that was my own insecurity, but some of it was real.”

Eventually she realized there was no handbook for being a bishop’s wife.

Kristin:
“So I decided I was going to define my own space and let God teach me where I needed to be.”

One of the hardest parts of this season was something Kristin didn’t expect: loneliness.

Kristin:
“I had a husband, I had children, I had people around me all day long—and I had never felt more lonely in my life.”

Her husband was working full time and serving constantly, which left very little emotional space at home.

Kristin:
“I would start a conversation at night and realize he wasn’t even listening because his brain was so occupied.”

That loneliness forced Kristin to lean more deeply into her relationship with God.

Kristin:
“It helped me decide how I was going to define my spirituality. That relationship is deeply personal.”

Kristin also shared a particularly painful experience during that time.

A woman in their congregation—someone Kristin had never spoken to—sent a letter to church headquarters accusing her and her husband of terrible things.

Kristin:
“The hardest part wasn’t that she accused me. The hardest part was that my husband was questioning my character.”

She described how devastating that felt.

At first she cried and questioned everything.

But then she felt a very clear impression from the Lord.

Kristin:
“In a swift moment the Lord said to me, ‘This is not about you. This is about her.’”

That realization changed everything.

Kristin:
“If you really knew who you were in that moment, you wouldn’t have shed one tear. You would have said, ‘She just doesn’t know me.’”

After that experience, Kristin became more intentional about creating quiet time with the Lord.

She began waking up earlier than the rest of her family.

Kristin:
“I would turn on a meditation app, say a prayer, and just sit in the quiet.”

She realized something powerful.

Kristin:
“You’re never going to make it through everything else if you don’t start your day with the important things—connecting with God.”

Kristin also shared something she often teaches teenagers she works with.

Even when we feel like we’re doing everything right, adversity still comes.

Kristin:
“When the adversity comes, the best thing we can ask is: What am I supposed to learn about myself?”

She explained that curiosity changes the way we experience trials.

Kristin:
“With curiosity and a mindset that says ‘I’m not going to be the victim,’ you keep asking questions like: Who am I supposed to become?”

As our conversation wrapped up, we talked about how important it is to share experiences with each other.

I often think about redwood trees when I think about spiritual growth.

Redwoods grow over 300 feet tall, but their roots are only a few feet deep. What makes them strong is that their roots intertwine with other trees.

In many ways, faith works the same way.

We grow stronger when we support one another.

Kristin ended the conversation with a message she wanted everyone listening to hear.

Kristin:

“You’re not alone. You’re never ever alone. Everyone’s challenges are different, but we can relate to each other because we’ve all had moments of questioning and wondering.”

And that connection—rooted in faith—is what helps us keep growing.

Growth doesn’t happen all at once.

Like an acorn growing into an oak, it happens slowly—through seasons of stillness, belief, and becoming.

Until next time,

Be still.
Believe.
Become.