Refined in the Deep

Introducing Annie and the Beginning of Her Journey

Annie lives in Orem, Utah with her husband and their four kids, and at the time of this conversation, she was expecting their fifth.

From the very beginning, this wasn’t just a story—it was a growth opportunity. A chance to reflect on how trials don’t just test us, but refine us in the deep, rooting us more fully in Jesus Christ.

In this episode:

• Annie’s experience with repeated pregnancy scares and emotional uncertainty

• The devastating 20-week diagnosis and life-altering decision

• The power of community and vulnerability during trials

• A sacred spiritual experience connecting her grief to Mary’s

• Learning to stay connected to God through honest, imperfect prayer

Before everything happened, Annie described her life as happy and rooted in Christ. She had experienced trials before and had grown from them, but at that moment, she felt at peace—almost in a state of “ignorance is bliss.”

At 12 weeks pregnant, everything shifted. Doctors couldn’t find a heartbeat. She was devastated—alone with her children, unable to reach her husband, and forced to carry the weight of that moment on her own.

After further testing, the baby was found to be alive—but the emotional weight of that moment marked the beginning of being stretched and refined in ways she hadn’t yet experienced.

At 16 weeks, the same situation happened again—no heartbeat detected, followed by confirmation that the baby was fine.

These repeated moments of fear created frustration and emotional exhaustion, pulling Annie deeper into a space where control was gone—and trust had to grow.

During these unpredictable moments, Annie made a conscious choice to lean into her community. She openly shared her experience with people in her church congregation.

It was through small acts of kindness—“tender mercies”—that she felt God’s presence. Even in the deep, she wasn’t alone. She was being held, supported, and quietly refined through others.

At the 20-week anatomy scan, everything changed. Annie immediately recognized something was wrong with the baby’s kidneys.

Doctors confirmed the devastating reality: her baby would not survive outside the womb.

This was no longer shallow water—this was the deep.

Annie and her husband were given two options: terminate the pregnancy or carry the baby and deliver, knowing the baby would pass.

They chose to deliver, hoping for even a small chance to hold their baby.

In the deepest pain, they chose presence. They chose love. They chose to walk through it.

During the weeks leading up to delivery, Annie relied on constant spiritual input—music, books, and prayer—to keep her mind from spiraling.

One song in particular, Cleanse You by Cali Reed, became an anchor—reminding her that the waves weren’t meant to drown her, but to cleanse her.

This was refining in real time—learning to breathe even in the deep waters.

Months later, while attending a Christmas concert, Annie had a powerful spiritual experience during the song “Silent Night.”

She felt a deep connection to Mary, realizing that even with full knowledge of God’s plan, Mary still experienced grief. That even she would weep.

In that moment, Annie understood—refining doesn’t remove sorrow. It transforms it.

She later described healing like a broken vase repaired with gold—every crack still visible, but made beautiful.

Being refined in the deep doesn’t erase what happened. It changes what it becomes.

Pregnancy after loss brought new challenges—fear, anxiety, and difficulty connecting emotionally.

The deep didn’t disappear. But Annie kept choosing to move forward anyway—showing up, even when it was hard.

She also shared that even imperfect prayers matter. Whether filled with faith or frustration, continuing to talk to God keeps the relationship alive.

Refinement doesn’t require perfect faith—it requires staying.

For women who feel like joy is far away, Annie’s message is simple:

Feel your emotions. They are a gift from God.
Use them with Him, not against Him.

Even in the deep, joy is not gone—it is being reshaped, refined, and slowly restored.

This conversation is a reminder that we already have everything we need within us—just like an acorn becoming an oak.

Growth is uncomfortable. The deep waters are real. But through Jesus Christ, we are supported, refined, and ultimately transformed.